not a good day, not a bad day

It's 9:32pm and i just came back from such a long emotional, yet amazing day. My throat is dry and i lost my voice from just crying and laughing all at the same time. I honestly believe that we meet certain people for a reason. Whether that person is there to make you happy or possibly drive you crazy, they are there because its all part of a gigantic test. And that test is whether or not you can hold yourself through, with these people around you.

Today started off super crappy for me. Woke up with the sound of contractors with their loud machines outside my house and a messy room. My parents were still fighting and my brother was just there. I felt like i was on a set of a movie. Clearly and physically there, but to everyone else, i was either invisible or just a blur. It didn't feel right being in my house especially when i couldn't feel any sense of belonging taken that i am in my own home. The awkward half conversations with both of my parents were driving me insane and i knew i needed to get out. Knowing that i was behind in all my schoolwork i decided to go to the mall early hopefully to get some work done and most importantly, get out of the hell hole i was currently in. Before this, i was cleaning up my room, and i just had all these different feelings welling up inside of me. I really wanted to talk to someone, but for some reason, i didn't know who to talk to. I felt really lost because i wanted to vent to someone but at the same time, i just wanted to bury myself in a hole and never come out.

I'm at the mall, and honestly speaking, i'm not in the mood to do any of my schoolwork. I just didn't have the energy to push myself and i just kept thinking about my parents that i just kept walking around in a blur. Suddenly these two girls come up to me and randomly started talking to me about this group they were part of. Truthfully, in the beginning i wasn't paying attention to them because i was so lost in my own thoughts that i just nodded to whatever they said. For some reason though, my feet didn't move as they would have if approached by a random stranger. After a while i realized that they were trying to preach to me about the gospel and since i did have time to kill and i wanted to get my mind off things i agreed to sit with them in the middle of the mall. I had my guard up in the beginning. I didn't know them but they were approachable and super nice so i let them speak since i knew how it felt like to try to connect with someone and that person turns you down. As the three of us sat, and the two of them took turns reading to me out of this small pamphlet, i was intrigued by their eagerness to get through to me. I went to church when i was young, so i pretty much knew the things they were trying to say to me, but i also knew that i had lost faith along the way. Christianity was always in the back of my mind, but with all the priorities i had these days, i never really took the time to really think about it. While they were wrapping things up, they asked me how i felt about the things they said. It was in that moment that i just told them that i thought it was so weird that when i really needed someone to talk to, the two of them showed up. They were strangers, but at the same time, i felt so comfortable with them. It was such an amazing feeling because all this time, i tried to put on this front, i was hiding my feelings because i didn't want to break down. Yet, these two girls that i met literally five minutes ago, i found myself spilling my problems and then i started crying because i was so relieved to let it all out. It was indeed very embarrassing, taken that i was in the middle of the mall crying when i least expected to with these two gracious souls that understood exactly what i was going through. And i am truly, truly thankful that i ran into them today because if i haven't i wouldn't have reconnected with God and i wouldn't have been able to vent like i did today. They gave me their contact information and we exchanged hugs as we departed. And to think that they don't even live in the area! One of the girls was telling me that they were all assigned different areas and they even got lost coming here. And what were the chances that when they noticed me lugging my books wandering around aimlessly, i would miraculously turn in their direction? God does truly work in mysterious ways.

I didn't get to say good-bye to Claudia today and i was sad that she's not working with us anymore but like i said before, some people go away for a reason. It's kinda strange if you think about it. There would be this person you meet, things are going well, and for no apparent reason, this person is taken away from you. No warning and no sign. I'm going to miss all the endless laughing fits we had together, all the times we complained about the annoying customers we come across, and of course all those serious, meaningful talks we had about life. I am really going to miss all our inside jokes and turning down certain customers with her. I miss her already :(

Today after work, Eileen and I just sat in her car spending quality time together talking about endless topics. It felt good. Honestly, it was such a great, relaxing moment. There was no shit talking, no drama, it was just talking about our past, all the difficult times we had to go through, and we even threw in the future, talking about what we want to do with our lives when we grow up. The stories we shared gave us both teary eyes and talking about it made me sad but then we would start cracking up and hitting our knees when another story was brought up. All together, the feeling was indescribable and the people passing by would give us strange looks because we probably looked nuts crying and laughing at the same exact time. We didn't care though, because we knew no one outside the Camry would ever understand us.

Talking to her inspires me though, because i know she'll do great things. In a sense, i look up to the way she can do so well in school, spend time with her boyfriend, work so many hours, concentrate on her internship, have a relationship with both her parents and still be so humble and easy-going.

What a meaningful day.